The Crock Pot.

Temptation is hitting me pretty hard right now.

I have not been doing as well as I would have liked, but I am also not doing terribly either.

I guess that is a good place to be?

I’m getting there.

Slowly, painfully, getting there.

It’s tough.

You’d think after how easy it was to get started that this wouldn’t be an issue for me.

I have no idea how I got so off track. I keep saying stress and everything else, but is that really it? Or am I just being lazy?

I have no idea.

I am waiting to eat lunch. We got up late and Dustin had to do something at 12:30. We figured we’d just wait until he was done with that to get some food in our bellies. He should be done within the next hour.

…I’m so hungry!

I am determined to do things right today. I have said this in the past and failed, but I really want it. I want it today. I want to get through one day to prove to myself that I can still get back on track.

I have something that I am looking forward to next year. Once it is official then I think I will be in power lose weight & tone mode so that I am exactly as I want to be by then; but I’ll dish out more deets in the distant future ;) .

But yes. I need one good day. One exceptional day, actually.

We spent a long time yesterday figuring out which crock pot recipes we were going to start making. We picked out five and sorted out all of the ingredients & expense that it was going to cost us. We are desperately trying to save up some money. We typically spend around $100.00 when we shop for the week; sometimes as low as $60.00. Last night we only spent $120.00 and each of the crock pot meals are enough for at least 2 meals. So we are actually saving a butt load of money. Also, $40.00 of that $120.00 went towards getting spices/seasonings that we won’t have to buy again for a pretty long time. I’m impressed and excited. It’ll be nice to get rid of our frozen dinners and start making our own food. I’ll probably feel better & more satisfied for about the same amount of calories. The only thing that I am concerned with is the amount of protein that I will be consuming. I have been planning out my food diary and I am already well over my protein limits that myfitnesspal gives me; however, when I did some research I found that people said that going over protein is fine and that myfitnesspal actually underestimates the amount of protein. So I think that I will be fine…especially if I stay within my calorie limits and start exercising again.

I am going to try to get some water in me and then watch tv while on the elliptical until Dustin is down with what he had to do. Then I can eat!! I am going to try to snap some pictures of my crock pot experiences and provide the recipes & nutritional information in case anyone is interested!!

Until later :)
-J

Hearthstone Addiction…

So. I actually had to make myself stop playing Hearthstone so that I could write this update :p .

Just a tad bit of an addiction it would seem.

I did OK last night. Not as well as I would have liked, but it is still a start in the right direction.

We are going out to dinner with my parents tonight; Texas Roadhouse. I don’t do too badly when we go out to places like that, though. I usually get a grilled chicken breast, broccoli, and mashed potatoes. What typically kills me is the bread! I have no self control when it comes to most carbs, but for some reason bread is my soft spot. I can honestly eat a loaf without even batting an eye; so yummy!! Now, anyone who has been to Texas Roadhouse knows how absolutely fantastic and mouth watering their rolls are. I rest my case. This will be a cheat meal. … Even though all of them have been in the past goodness, weeks? Months, now? I’ve lost track of how long I have been downhill for.

I feel pretty good though.

Not great, but I feel better than I have in weeks (or months, or however long it has been).

And that is good enough for me. For now.

The scale still says 180.something. Today it was 180.9, which is still less than the 181 that it was. ….Which is pretty fantastic. It kind of lets me see how much I can eat without gaining anything. …And I have been eating a LOT of absolute crap. I wonder how much it will change when I only weigh 150… or even 140. So much food, such a tiny me ;)

I wanted to get in some exercise today, but I am not too sure that I will.

I did something to my foot last night. Now, not one of those excuse kind of things – but real pain. I have feet problem (as I have told you guys), but this feels like I snapped it wrong and it needs to crack back. It gave out already a few times on the stairs, insanely painful. I don’t mind when my legs do that kind of give out thing and you can laugh about it. This was a painful give out that when it actually gave out I got a painful jolt in it. Yuck!

But yeah. I just wanted to write you guys a quick update to let you know that I am doing pretty well overall with this whole getting back on track in baby steps kind of way :) .

Until later!
-J

Today’s Daily Goal

Ah! I didn’t post yesterday!

Before you give me that “where were you” glare, hear me out.

It was so busy yesterday! We were down at my parent’s house and then when we finally got home we made two new candle test batches. Before I knew it, it was bed time.

Yesterday was not a great food/exercise day. In fact, I didn’t log and I didn’t exercise. I logged a little bit, but once I started to get out of control I simply stopped. … Go figure.

Today the goal that I had in mind for myself is to finish my diary and submit it on myfitnesspal. I haven’t submitted a finished and honest diary in I don’t even know how long. I am hopeful that this will help me slowly get back to where I need to be. Today’s diary might not be perfect, but at least I will be accountable for everything that I have shoved into my mouth. I am hopeful; however, that it is going to be a better food day because I am forcing myself to log and submit it.

…We’ll see.

I wasn’t going to make this update until later tonight after I knew if I had completed my goal, but that would probably be after midnight and I didn’t want it to appear as though I went two whole days without blogging after making such a big fuss about getting back at it.

So here I am.

I am going to try to make my day a bit more relaxed and not stress out so much over how terrible I have been doing.

I have been playing Hearthstone (not sure if you’ve heard of it, but my boyfriend is pretty big into games and he told me that I’d like it more than UNO. he was right ;) ). And I figured today I would let myself play 3 games and then exercise for 100 calories worth and then repeat the process. My plan is to do at least 400 calories in exercise. Maybe 200 during the day before dinner and 200 at night afterwards. We’ll see. Any exercise is going to be an improvement, though. And if I stick to my current diary plan…I don’t even NEED to exercise today to be under. …But I don’t have such a good track record recently and therefore for the fact of being better safe than sorry…I will exercise :P .

The other thing that I am doing today is having my lunch for dinner and dinner for lunch. My lunch is always rather filling and my dinner always leaves me unsatisfied (I have the frozen meals because it is cheaper and highly portioned sized). I am hoping that by switching these I will feel more satisfied and full and not resort to stuffing my face with dozens upon dozens of chocolate chips. (Yes, it’s been happening).

Alright. I think it is time to start playing Hearthstone ;)

I will let you guys know how I do today!
-J

A Shameful Return..

First of all, there is nothing more devastating then posting an update, only to find that the first two words were all that were saved & posted…

I noticed that WordPress has been updated, but I hope that this first experience is not setting the tone for what is in store.

I’ll remain positive for now..

Where to even begin. In the first post that I had written, I spilled my soul. It seems a little strange to spill it again… it was sort of the heat of the moment kind of thing. You know?

I talked about failure. I talked about how I know that this journey has no failures, but I did the worst thing that I could have possibly done; I stopped. I stopped tracking, I stopped caring, and I stopped blogging about all of it.

I then talked about how I was embarrassed of myself and ashamed of my lack of progress.

Somehow I managed to remember what I had set out to do with this blog; experience. I set out to help those who were going through a journey/will go through a journey like I have gone through.

Yet I let my own insecurities and my ‘failures’ prevent me from this.

Despite sounding like a broken record with my binge eating and my awful dieting, I’m back to writing for you guys.

For me, too.

Writing is therapeutic and maybe it can help me snap out of this funk that I am in.

I also talked about how lucky I am to be about the same weight, giving a few .pounds, as I was before. This is really lucky because I honestly thought I was going to gain 20 pounds through all of this. It is a small victory, but I’ll take it.

At least I have simply stalled and have not undone progress.

I can live with that.

My plan is to write, to update at least once each day.

Deep breath,
let’s do this.
-J

Quick & Painful

My original plan was to do excellent before posting. 

The issue there is that I wasn’t excellent. 

I need to find out why I am eating all of the time.

I have a feeling it is emotional eating, but I cannot figure it out. 

I think until I do, I am destined to keep binging. 

I’m a mess. 

Better Isn’t Always Enough

Well. I did a lot better yesterday than what I did the day before.

Unfortunately the day before was really bad so I am not too sure that I cam say I did well.

I am hoping that the progress will mean that today will be even better. In fact maybe today will end up being the first successful day of my thirty day challenge.  I can’t move onto day two until day one is completed.

Im not going to talk about how confident I feel or anything like that. Why? Words don’t mean anything.

If I get through this day successfully then I’ll write about my confidence. 

Until then,
-J

Bombed Day 1: Do Over Tomorrow!

So I failed miserably today.

Yep. Without a doubt, failure.

My anxiety has been off the charts and the only thing I could do to get my mind off of it was to stuff my face.

How crazy?

I decided that prelogging my foods would be the best way to go. I now know what/when I am going to eat for the next week. I feel confident that having this road map will help me to succeed.

Today may have been a failure, but tomorrow is a new day.

-J